4 disciplines

in light of the worship school and the prophetic worship conference coming up,
lazyness and discipline seem to crash on head to head.

its not like i dont know the more i seek him, the more i find him; the more i find him, the more i love him; the more i love him, the more i trust him... and as crunch time is coming near, you just know the devil's all out to get those along the fringes... the wishy washy, fence sitters, pew warmers...
and im just trying to keep the SPIRIT on top.... soul, then body....


Discipline your Devotion (prayer, worship, word)
Discipline your Doubts (press in to faith)
Discipline your Desires (purity, flee from evil)
Discipline your Duties (priorities, commitment)


more and more, i need you jesus, more and more...

im just a little confused

wow.... its been more than one month since i last wrote.


it just slips out of my hands... and above all, the heart is decieving.


has my heart been stolen? no, it has been decieved... to think i knew what i was doing. then to stop and realise ive let it all get out of control.

facebook.
its addictive... you compare your life with another's... you look for smone wishing he was there but he isnt... you leave a note, he doesnt reply...
its for fun... but you wish i were real...

housemates.
*dont wanna talk about it*

friends.
you love em... you cant stand em... you dont wish to bother yourself with them... 'you need them?' you let them take too much of you... only to realise it too late...
are you chooisng life? choosing those that should and would matter to you if you let them... do you feel you already tried?

studies that come to an end.
maybe its time to leave... 2 weeks ago i didnt wanna leave... the friends the company the life here suited me and i was comfortable - YET i already knew that that meant that it was time to move. and now... everything feels like its peeling away, breaking down... huh... why not go home then. should i come back? whatever...... i dont know and i dont care right now. too many decisions and the stress to make them were on my shoulders. too many plans and ideas... too many options and possibilities and wants and wishes....

suddenly, all i want to do is let it all go.

what really matters in the end? i know you know i know. there is nothing more to say.

GOD I NEED YOU... I WANT YOU... IF IM REMINDED OF WHAT I KNOW, I KNOW NONE OF THIS REALLY MATTERS... NONE OF THIS IS REALLY THE POINT, IF I DONT FIRST KNOW YOU, LOVE YOU, WANT YOU.

amanda wells weekend

I will stand on Your promises. God, when You give me a word, I hold on to it till it comes to pass; I hold on to that promise. Cos your word is a promise, your word if life. And You never want anything else besides life with You and one of You. As we live according to, and BY, Your word, there You will be Glorified where we are most satisfied. Nothing can separate us from Your love.

Amanda Wells brought a strong presence of the Lord, not one emotionally arousing or just simply peaceful or strong and hard… I don’t know what it was but she brought forth the anointing of the REALITY of being a child and an heir of God and His throne…how God created me (us) cos the angels were’nt good enough...they(Lucifer) fought for place and glory and wealth in Heaven.. and that is why the devil wants to take back all we are given by God; what WAS his, but isn’t now. Can we not believe it, do we not see HOW MUCH GOD LOVES US and the richness in wealth, strength, authority, wisdom, peace, security and love He has bestowed on us.

How can I look back and wish I had what I had when I was turning further and further away from all the love I needed. – Again the loud and clear reminder came: “the old has gone, the new has come. Behold you are a new creation; I have started in you a new thing, and I shall bring it forth to completion.”

In faith I asked “where to now”; and in faith I received the answer to “not continue year 4. instead, enter a time of training/doing/working”

Prophetically, Amanda wells also said that I would finish studies soon and go into a time (short-ish or just some time) of training. Where after that God’s gonna open all the doors and release me to do what I am studying… that it sure has something to do with what I am doing now… Dream more and ask Him for visions… bigger dreams, bigger visions, bigger plans from You God!

* Hallelujah! Thank you God! I know it wont be easy, I know it wont be glam, it probably be hard work… but I pray and pray that JUST KNOWING im walking down the path YOU SET BEFORE ME and that at every moment I am exactly at the CENTER OF YOUR WILL, I will be ever grateful and thankful and praise You and worship you for who You Are. For I am nothing without You. I surrender with You my every will…decision…action… thank you jesus for making it possible…for without your blood, I remain and succumb to the sinful nature. But in You, I am MORE THAN A CONQUEROR.

my life is not my own

ive been thinking of getting a tattoo - to engrave, scribed, write forever not just in my oh deceitful heart, a reminder of really who i was and who i am and who God has destined me to be.
His. Entirely His.

Jeremiah 10:23 [Jeremiah's Prayer] I know, O LORD, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.

Luke 14:26 If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple.

Revelation 3:19-22 Behold, i stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears and listens and heeds My voice and opens the door, i will come in to him and eat with him, and he [will eat] with Me.

[7.30am youth prayer meeting for Amanda Wells]

car wash!

realised i havent taken any photos of my car till... today! i brought it round to the backyard to have a bit of a wash and a full vacuum on the inside :)

calling on Your name, cutting off the past

I'm running, I'm running,
I'm running to the mercy seat where Jesus is calling.
His grace will be my covering,
His blood will flow freely, it will provide my healing.
I'm running to the mercy seat.

im supposed to draw.... of what i saw during worship @ Youth tonight...
it was strong and it was hard...

"Call unto me! ...and you will be saved..."

and when Chris starting singing Jesus, jesus, jesus.... just His name over and over again... it was clear He was setting us apart. Setting those who were present at youth but who werent participating (standing there, not letting the HS move them, maybe even mocking, staring/glaring) from those who were hungry, eager, desperate and thus would open their mouths to call upon Him with all their heart, mind, strength.... and those who called and really believed with all their heart mind strength on WHO they are calling on, will be saved and set free..... cut off from their past, cut off from past sins, cut off from those sin trying to creep back to get them.

i wanted to be totally cut off from all the past... the painful and hurtful past... and i needed to call on Him once again - IF i wanted it bad enough.

and i did. and i really still do....

with this, once again i renew my covenent with God in my commitment to the church and to Youth and to what GOD WANTS TO DO IN RAVENSWOOD AND IN TASMANIA AND IN ALL THE REST OF THE AUSTRALIA THEN IN ALL THE WORLD.

Glimpse of the Vision fir the 2nd term of Youth -> to set apart His soldiers and Carers from those who will reject Him and choose to turn away, disobey and not respond. Cos you CANT not respond when God's presence comes down in annointing the worship. and you CANT not be compelled to forget about yourself totally and worship Him for the totality that He is. and you CANT not respond by growing and commiting and dedicating and disciplining yourself to be a follower and disciple of Jesus...

Jesus is calling... how are you responding... if you call back to Him, He will answer, He will rescue, He will comfort, He will save, He will deliver, He will SET YOU FREE!

dear adelaide

a familiar face, bassie wanted to see; familiar faces i got to see too.

through dolphin boat rides, fisherman wharves with no fresh seafood, attempting to climb up and down Mt Lofty Peak to a "spit-fall" 3.8km away, the charsiew and duck noodles, the ice creams, the yiros and giant schnitzels, watching soccer, footy, playing mahjong......

to meeing new, and old friends... marilyn, felicia, aoh-lulu, and even shingyin.

im not sure i wanted to come home... there were a few different issues running in my mind. there was chao who made me think too, about decisions we have to start making soon about our future...and his worries of where his education is bringing him...and about how to ever be sure of what youre doing... i think truth is, you never know. but truth is, God knows! and when we make decisions based on knowing He will use it for His good and we boldly take that step of faith based on wanting Him to take us anyway He would, i think thats all we really need to know - that conscious effort in choosing LIFE, and not DEATH... for every little step we take is either towards one, or the other.

no grey....

philippains 4:8-9 Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

to my dear friend,
i pray you keep your head high in humility and your heart open and your eyes always looking to your Creator and your mind always on that which is true, noble and gracious...the best and beautiful and the things of praise. i pray you put into rememberance everything youve heard, saw and realised thorugh all the years of growing and maturing in the fellowship of Christ, with your brothers and sisters, with your family. let it compel you to holding fast and standing firm in the truths you have learnt, pushing everything that tries to hinder you aside. and when you cant handle it or dont know how to, dont struggle with yourself, let it all go..and let god. cos i know theres nothing i can really do or say, but to cry out to god on your behalf for the holy spirit to always be by you...and we will together, be there for you any time you need, to stand by you and to pick you up and push you closer to Him who loves you most :) love you dearly.

youth alive TAS

I see the king of glory
Coming down the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Hosanna, hosanna, hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a new revival
Stiring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity


i have 'stuff', you have 'stuff', we all got 'stuff' - Reggie Dabbs

and if we're sick and tired of being sick and tired, is to let go, and let God - Nubian Gents

the truth will set us free

for we wrestle not against flesh and blood
but against principalities,
for the battle's not with others
it is fought in the heavenlies.

We are on the winning side
and the battle is the Lord's,
no weapon formed against us now
shall prosper says the Lord!

The truth shall set us free
The truth shall set us free
The Lord if life, He's the Truth, the Way,
The truth shall set us free!

Declaring the truth sets me FREEEEE.... setting me free is cos He's the WAY, and TRUTH and LIFE and he MAKES ME WHOLE!!

Jesus' blood that was shed for us was not shed for us in vain. He wanted to do it. He wants us to know that he loves us so much that He would do anything for us to be made whole again.
* picture of Jesus walking thru the crowd and the most desperate and in need and want of Him, was healed as they 'touched' Him simply cos they BELIEVED HE WAS THE TRUTH.

cream cheesey carrot cake

thats kat! (yes, another kat...very own archi classmate!)

recipe from Nursing Mothers Association of Australia - Recipes for busy mothers

(a leaving home gift from her mother...so sweet huh)

need i say more?

it was mmmm-deliciouss....

in fact, im gonna try start a bake sale/food fair right in archi school :)

it was suggested a while ago... year by year taking turns to bring something to 'the table' (there isnt one but im sure we can set one up) and providing us all with each other's very own cooking! instead of the horrible occasional bbq...... haha

mmmm.. more carrot cake.... yum!

not just church..

we have non stop singing, mad dancing, flags flying, flutes and drums and horns blowing and banging.... but most of all..... god's awesome awesome presence.

smtimes i wonder if going back to singapore will make it any different. i remember the time in YC we should to jump and dance around and sing.... not cause it was any conformity but cos.... maybe there was a lot more freedom and passion? but....... im sure the passion hasn't 'died down'. it'll be wrong of me to assume so just cos i havent been back.

why then, do i dance and sing? and why then and when would i dare to be 'undignified' than 'this'?

COS its his first commandment!!!
Deutoronomy 6:5 reads "You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength."
and
Mark 12:30 reads "And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment."

so, repeated over and over again in the old and new testament, it must have be the first and foremost commandment since the time of adam, eve, noah, abraham and moses! david? oh we dont even have to talk about david! the dancer and singer and player of music in worship..... in this single verse lies the cause of every other commandment and instruction and calling that god would have called of us. cos to love Him with everything we have, really encompasses EVERYTHING! soul (body and will), mind, and strength....all my strength....physically love Him and 'totally going for it' (as chris would say)!!!!

oh god, you just.... totally blow my mind of what i can perceive and what anyone could measure or reason. i am left speechless. i want to be undiginified ALL FOR YOU MY LORD!!!!!!!!!!

and i will do so wherever i am, with whatever im doing...NO double standards...

i will not be moved

it seems much longer than just about 2 to 3 weeks since i last wrote...
but.... its been tough!
and i just read joette's blog and it seems like just about last week, she was having it rather hard too.

THE DEVIL MUST HAVE BEEN PISSED OFF!

James 4
4 Do you not know that being the world's friend is being God's enemy? So whoever chooses to be a friend of the world takes his stand as an enemy of God.
5 Or do you suppose that the Scripture is speaking to no purpose that says, The Spirit Whom He has caused to dwell in us yearns over us and He yearns for the Spirit [to be welcome] with a jealous love?
6 But He gives us more and more grace (power of the Holy Spirit, to meet this evil tendency and all others fully). That is why He says, God sets Himself against the proud and haughty, but gives grace [continually] to the lowly (those who are humble enough to receive it).
7 So be subject to God. Resist the devil [stand firm against him], and he will flee from you.
8 Come close to God and He will come close to you. [Recognize that you are] sinners, get your soiled hands clean; [realize that you have been disloyal] wavering individuals with divided interests, and purify your hearts [of your spiritual adultery].
9 [As you draw near to God] be deeply penitent and grieve, even weep [over your disloyalty]. Let your laughter be turned to grief and your mirth to dejection and heartfelt shame [for your sins].
10 Humble yourselves [feeling very insignificant] in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you [He will lift you up and make your lives significant].

BUT THE BATTLE HAS BEEN WON! VICTORY IS OURS! I WILL NOT BE MOVED!

Oswald Chambers: Aug 5
"if we are in communion with God and recognise that He is taking us into His purposes, we shall no longer try to find out what His purposes are. As we go on in the Christian life it gets simpler, because we are less inclined to say " now why did God allow this and that ?"
Beind the whole thing lies the compelling of God."

thinking back to 2 weeks ago, at Stillwaters having coffee with God...
it was humbling to to be drawn near to God once again not cause i desperately wanted to know what His plan and purpose for me was.
In lieu of that, He was gently reminding me of His first and greatest and most important plan and purpose for me...to know Him, to Love Him, to enjoy Him, to Trust Him, to be steadfast in Him, to be constantly in awe of Him, to adore Him, to serve Him as He asks me to serve others, to be faithful in the little things before He trusts me with the bigger things.

Come Lord Jesus come.... how my soul longs for more of Thee.

rest - less

maybe i am rest-less. but its been 4 tiring days dealing with school work and group work and site visits and long drives. Im not complaining.. i just have been feeling restless.

Chris has been speaking on overflow and as much as that is what i want, i've been fighting a bit with distractions and aggitations and generally, rest-less-ness and uncertainty?

car over heating. thats fine....unexpected and a bit scary for the first time facing 'car trouble'. but i knew to keep calm and found myself deciding to believe that God has a reason for everything -> it took smone like khulbir to testify to a little miracle of asking god for help to come and straight away a kind old man in a van popped up and stopped to be of some assistance to us. meanwhile, i got the song 'Glorious' in the heads of both nuru and fran...who's a muslim and a catholic but they liked it. haha

school. classes, classmates, competition, competitiveness, the course itself, tons of questions and adaptations and analysis and reviews and books to read and essays to write. so help me god!!! i need to do this for You and not for man's approval.

distraction. cute guy in the class alert! hmm....he is charming. he's a bit like the rest of em aussie beer drinking blokes. but he's a bit different. maybe travelling around europe and asia (and a bit of the middle east) makes him different. he's just done his diving, has a middle eastern last name, has family in belgium, loves travelling... ok maybe i dont really know him. hah, sigh.

lucas and miranda. it was super catching up with em old friends. they couldnt help but to testify countless times of god's goodness and provision through their marraige to buying their own house and it sure was awesome.

i told bassie today that i think god hasnt given me a guy yet cos i simple havent loved god Himself enough yet. it sounded a bit ridiculous. but to me, that was possible just it.

god STILL was not first in my life yet?

i go on about 'god use me, use me!' but am i after the destination and not Him?

I want to know Him yet im not fasting and praying and hungering and thirsting for Him.........

ive just been r e s t l e s s and just that!

i cant let it go on! (and flora would be cheering me on on this one i know)

dreams are made of...

a shocking plot of escape; someone special, my loved ones; being romanced;
a happy ending and tears of joy; a painful process; a reward beyond what i could ever imagine.

taking what i love, going where i love with whom i love, doing what Love compells me to do;
soaring with You;
living a life in abundance and in overflow of all that we have knowing its all Yours anyway;
fixing my eyes on You alone and giving up these very dreams to You again cos i trust You know whats best for me still.

www.iaac.net - a plan either from You, or not.

How marvellous, how wonderful is my Saviour's love for me.

Christ for the Nations

No sweeter name than the name of Jesus,

no sweeter name hav i ever known,

no sweeter name than the name of Jesus.

You are the life to my heart and my soul

You are the light in the darkness around me,

You are the hope to the hopeless and broken

You are the ONLY truth and the way!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

While Pastor Merrilyn is on her 4 week break, she's put Chris to much charge, to charge US up to step up in OUR commitment to our spiritual growth. That includes commiting to morning and night services cos going for just either is only half the journey. and though it smtimes sounds a bit 'too much', i forget to put into perspective, over and over again, of really, what am i really about?

the free time i wanna have on my own to do 'nothing'? school work? needing 'me' time?

There has to be something more to life than just this. Something is stirring... i cant put my finger on it...God i need to heaarrrrrrr from You loudd and clear of what Your plan and call for me is!

living the HIGH life - sydney 2007

Day 1 and i was on the 30th floor of The Shangrila and eating breakfast with my first ever real life view of Sydney's finest, the Harbour Bridge and Opera House. Qing and her church friend Chris kindly took time off whatever they had to do, to bring me eating, sight seeing, eating, a bit of walking and more eating. After a very heart warming birthday treat of delicious and delicate cupcakes and fine wine (picture below), what better start to my first trip to Sydney could i ask for.
Also, chris very kindly gave me My Utmost for His Highest to start reading and since then, it hasnt failed to touch my everyday and always bring into perspective what Jesus did for me on that cross, though so many years ago, and how it commands and is only deserving of my best.

Then of course, i cant be thankful enough enough enough that my dearest leanne and jiamin would come down to sydney to meet up with me too. sometimes, i really really dont think i do anything or hardly enough to show or tell them how greatful and thankful i am for them, and for how they took time off so we could spend time together. Sometimes, like now, i just dont know what else i can say to thank God for them.....
You reallly never know what youve got until their gone. :( i miss you lea and jiam...


breakfast at bills....... raising our glasses highhhhhhhh

last night out - walk to 'the ROCKS' for breathtaking views of Opera House, then to yummy famous pancakes!

and thank you Qing, once again, for the beautful walks and cliffs and beaches and times we got to talk and laugh and cry and hug and drive and jump around and go to the aquarium and eat and sleepover :)

.

.

.

*whoop!* (like a ribena berry)

rainy days and mondays always get me down

its not so much the rain for now,
but its the many things that has happened today that has gotten me feeling real low today.

not only does my own brother not tell me the truth about him smoking, he's apparently done so for some time now.
not only cos its my brother, but a good friend too - that i have given the benefit of a doubt that he wouldnt pick it up again after quitting for so long now, but of course, once again has cos of no particular reason besides cos 'everyone else does'.
and then theres my dear leanne.. who i know smokes, but i dont know why, isnt quitting.

for all these 3 i care so much about, none can give me an answer or a reason why they started, why its good for them, if its helping them, why they dont want to quit, and if they are really dead seriously even thinking of quitting at all.

i dont hate them.. i hate what they're doing.. i hate em evil cigarettes!!!!!!!!!!!! :(

i just dont get it.... what so great about them.... how do they help?? wait a minute, they dont!
and.... i cant describe why or how upset i get about this whole damn deal about smoking and who does and who doesnt. but i d-o g-e-t r-e-a-l-l-y u-p-s-e-t even if i dont show it to them.

and when things are out of my control.....

being in sydney, i cant communicate efficiently with the rest of the SA committee and i have no idea whats happening with the trip... till now, we dont have even 20 pple for the trip... grr!!! i cant even enjoy my holiday in peace without haveing to worry about the trip and facing it when i get home on wednesday :(

being in cherd's house, 11pm and alone cos the other 2 girls decide to take a nice walk without me when they told me they'll be like 15 mins......? i cant help but feel cheated. yet, i can only blame myself of cheating them both into a holiday i promise will be full of fun and chit chats but, i havent even chatted to them once properly. i dont know how to. and already its monday night.

im scared and im frustrated. i want to be angry, but i cant and theres no point. what do i do, god, with all these things i know?

happy birthday to me (two days ago)

i think it went better than last year's... at least this year i had steamboat at kat's (more like, i had a friend like her ring me up to have steamboat at her place and i 'couldnt say no')...and she made me tiramisu... then hmm, besides that, i actually cooked friday's dinner for 4 and yesterday's dinner for 9 all almost singlehandedly! (sort of a personal acheivement enough haha). there werent any leftovers *(which to me meant that i didnt cook enough).
but they 'said' they were full *(i really hope so) so im guesssing i alllllllmost got the estimation right :)
but it was cool...first time having a few church pple over for dinner and chitchat till 10ish at night... i think as 'instigator-of-many-dinners', we'll start doing it like once in 2-3 weeks...cooking up a bit of smthing goin smone's house for a meal and fellowship! :) sounds good! much better than going morty's (the only food court here in launnie) ah tiring.. but feels quite good though... maybe i like cooking up a storm rather than cooking for my everyday dinners.

but im thankful though... really thankful. (and it beats thinking about how 'sucky' it could be compared to the many birthdays ive had before)
nothing would beat getting to go home for a while and be with more familiar faces and the hugs and the kisses..gosh, and the weather... but i guess im contented.

contented, i am.

cos i will go where You send me...
as long as Your presence is with me, i have more than enough;
no matter the storm, there will be no failure or destruction as long as i do as You direct;
because You said so, i believe and thank You for Your promises for me;
i will never give up.

(now i pray god, the ssa trip runs smoothly and that 10 more students will call in to confirm their interests to go for the trip!! amen)

11 moments

today has been full of moments...

i took a moment to think about destiny;
i took a moment to thank god for His plan for me;
i took a moment to remember its NOT up to me, its still up to Him.

i took a moment to think about what i'll do for my birthday;
i took a longer moment to think about fei... and how his destiny and life was up to God...just like mine would be too.
i took a moment to think about the blessings God wnats to give us, but the trials He has to put us through smtimes.

i took a moment to ask god how i could bless those id invite to my place if i had a gathering on friday;
i took a moment to think about each one of them and why god would want me to want them there;
i took a moment to see life spin into a blur as i stand in the middle of the lines that connect everyone ive met with everything.

i took a moment to wish i was somewhere else cos it gets hard and lonely;
then i took a last moment to whisper to myself that God was still greater than all of these.



(no, i didnt take this picture. but i found this while doing an assignment about how people change an architectural space ... do they even? in a single instant of time or a scene over a period of time, in a captured image, maybe they do...but what do they leave behind? ...oh well, i just found it quite apt while thinking about the footrpints we leave behind...or are we like ghosts that walk by without anyone knowing..)

day one

i wonder how long it'll be till someone (i know at least) discovers i actually started a blog, smthing i've never been a fan of.

still,
maybe the idea of updating those who know me personally helps keep me accountable to this journey im on. and i guess that can be pretty good for both you and i. i get to bitch about something and publicy admit i was in the wrong too, and at the same time hopefully be of some encouragement or comfort to you if and when you can identify with me. then maybe we'd talk more and share a bit deeper. *shrug* i really dont know where this will take me.
so we'll see : )

ultimately, i guess i hope it ONE DAY reads about how i fly away (both on a plane but more meaningfully, living life to the fullest and in total freedom), and the experiences and stories and adventures and difficulties and miracles god has destined for me in my time ahead. amen.